I think I just ate my willpower.

mhmm.
I feel a little bit blue today.
I was discussing saturday nights party to a lad in my class, and basically I was saying I passed out and had to be carried downstairs by another guy. The lad looked at me and said "wow, he must of been strong." and then said he was "only joking."
...
I died a little inside.
I want to be the light and pretty girl that all guys want to sit on their laps.
I looked in the mirror today and shed a tear, before punching my stomach and slapping my thighs.
I know what you're thinking.
"phsyco"
but I just want to be small.
I don't want to be ashamed anymore.
I don't want to hide away at parties in thick cardigans. I don't want to be "the fat girl" anymore.

I'm fasting tommorow, I need my control back.

sorry for the lack in thinspo, i'll update tommorow, it'll give me something to do whilst taking my mind of food.

Hey.

My mood has changed today, and I feel good, positive, uplifted.
It's a nice change really, I was getting fed up of listening to myself cry.
I woke up quite late today, with not a single hunger pang disturbing my stomach. I got up, cleaned my teeth and grabbed a bottle of water. I'm sipping it as we speak. It's really quite refreshing.
I've made rules for myself, that I will not break. I cannot pro-long this ridiculous failing any longer, christmas is coming, and I want to shine, I want to walk in and make everyone stop and stare. Is that too much to ask?

Mornings;-
Clean teeth.
Cleanse and tone face.
Drink a bottle of water.
Eat nothing.

Afternoons;-
Continue drinking water.
Continue eating nothing.
Walk the dog straight after school.

Evening;-
One small meal, preferably half of it.
Have another bottle of water.
Have to have dinner by 5:30pm at the latest.
Strictly no eating after 6:00pm.
Take the dog for a small walk around the block at 7:00pm.
Clean teeth.
Remove makeup.
Cleanse and moisturise face.
Be in bed by 10:30pm on weekdays.

General rules;-
Must keep fidgeting including butt clenches, tapping feet and fingers and nodding head slightly.
Must burn atleast 150 calories minimum a day.
No breakfast.
Any money for lunch will go straight towards my hair extensions fund.
If eating cereal, milk & cereal must be measured. Half a cup of cereal and half a cup of milk.

Well, wish me luck.

Just a small thinspo today, todays theme is.... Redheads! Hopefully one day I can post my own picture here...

                

I'm feeling slightly better today. Mum bought me some special flakes, (rip of from special k aha) they tasted vile but i'm not hungry. Quite the opposite if i'm honest. I was meant to get up, showered and be ready for the day but I feel lethargic and lazy, and i'm in a lot of pain. I've been invited to go eat chinese and stay up all night watching movies at some friends house, but really, i cannot be bothered. I didnt sleep much last night, I don't paticularly like chinese food, and being the only single friend out of my group can be quite shit really, imagine it, sitting in the middle of a four way makeout session. It doesn't sound like my idea of fun. I am debating going tonight. On one hand I don't wanna let anyone down, like i always do, but on the other, I need my sleep. :/ *shrugs* 

Todays thinspo is... Korean fashion! 

                

I have nothing to say really. I went town the other day and felt so alone. Hundreds of people where melting into their activivities whilst I walked onwards, alone, no hand out there for me to hold. I don't think I have ever felt so isolated in my life. As I walked past the shops with the small models showing off their figures, I was choking back these burning tears and everywhere I looked, it seemed someone was wanting to upset me. Everywhere there were small girls clutching tightly to their boyfriend's hand and they where laughing and smiling and I don't understand why that isn't happening to me. I've been told I have it all, but really I have nothing. When I get home, i'm a smiling child. My mother comments on how nice i've been looking recently, and my family act less ashamed around me, and yes, it does make me smile, but only because I want to be the perfect child, the gorgeous girl any mother would be proud off. I'm smiling outside, but i'm burning up inside, I just want to be who I am now.

Food makes me so unhappy, so why do I constantly eat it. Why? Why do I eat and then spend the rest of the day crying about it. Was the two minutes in my mouth worth feeling like shit over for the rest of the day? No. It isn't. But I still do it. I still grab a twix when no one looks. I still shove wrappers down the side of the desk so no one finds out about my shameful gorging.

No thinpso today, i'm sorry my beauties but the dog requires walking.

You guys keep me sane.

i'm falling in love with someone i've never met.

He's been there for me through everything, he tells me constantly how amazing and beautiful I am. He said to me the other day "Oh, you're so amazing, you're like the whole package, you have it all." :| I have it all? I have all the doughnuts if thats what he means... 

I've been speaking to him since the begining of summer when i added his cousin on facebook, so he added me too. (So don't worry, he's not a pred, i've spoken to his cousin and she says hes a nice guy.) He is smart, gorgeous, sexy. Everything i've ever wanted in a lad, and he asked to meet up today and I said no, i've got "insert shit excuse here" because i'm terrified of what he'll think of me. He'll see some giant tub of lard walking towards him and he'll be like "Oh my god, this fat chick is who i've been talking to these past few months?" It makes me so fucking depressed. We've been on webcam, sent rude pictures ect but it's just not the same in person is it? I'm so bloody stupid and pathetic. I promised i'd meet up with him this sunday though, so I have 8 days (including today) to loose anything I can. I'm drinking water like my life depends on it, and i'm gonna' get up and take Roxy for a huge-ass walk.

Ouchies!
I've clicked my neck, and now its hurting sooo much!

Went cinema yesterday to watch Sorority row, I don't know why, I hate horror films, and watching a bunch of skinny girls on screen whilst i gorge my fat face with chocolate wasnt really an afternoon out to me, but meh, all my friends begged me to come out, "cos i never come out anymore" so all in all, it was alright tbh.

Yesterday, I felt like I was gonna' explode. I went out of control with the food, and seriously thinking about it now makes me want to puke. I ate like, atleast over 2000 calories on chocolate, chips, chicken and toast. Good Lord! :| I havn't eaten anything today though, and I really don't want to.

Jacks treating me like a normal person. I don't know why, if anything i'd rather he not talked to me at all. He doesnt even put the I love you xxx at the end when we talk on msn. That hurts so much. Part of me regrets ever telling him how I felt. :/ Maybe if I was thinner, he would like me, but I don't blame him, why would he fancy his best friends fat little sister? 

What do you feel when guys check you out? I personally love the attention. I don't care how vain that sounded, but i'm not really a girl that gets a lot of male attention out and about, so on the odd occasion, when a lad does eye me up, I like it, it gives me a confidence boost.

Who likes my new Topshop jacket? *Grins* Its a size 12, and I love it soooooooooo much :) I'm wearing it now with patterned tights, a short skirt and a new look vest, aaaand a shit load of eyeliner aha.



*excuse the uglyness lol*

:) Well todays thinspo is gonna be.... Black girls!

I don't intend to offend anyone when I say that, but I don't really know how else to word it lol.
Enjoy! <3 Leave comments, favourites ect, you know I love them! :)

         

            

(Sorry it's only short today, I have to go help dad put my wallpaper up aha, love you all. :) <3)

Hey guys.
I'm in a good mood ;)
Yep, this isn't an emo rant journal for once! :)

Foodwise;
Two bites of pizza - 70? At most.
Two dunker sticks - I'm gonna guess 30.
Two glasses of irun bru zero - 4.
Two bottles of water - 0.
Chewing gum - 10.
Bowl of cereal - 170.

Calories burnt = 202.
= 82 calories for today. (or somewhere there abouts.)

Im so happy!

Targets for today;-

50 sittups.
50 Pushups.
Stay under 200 calories.
Drink three bottles of water/juice.

Thinspo today = FASHION :)
As i'm a major fashion/model/photography lover, I was looking around modelling sites, and chose some of my favourites. :) if you'd like the links to any of the sites I got them from, give me a message, I saved most of em' in my favourites.

     
                                    

Off school.
Well, I managed like, a good week and a bit without being away. :|

Meh.

I'm in a strange mood. Me and a guy have been sending really dirty texts to eachother, and he makes me smile so much. Hes the guy i described in one of my other journals, the one I met at the party? Well, he makes me so happy right now, and because i'm such a pathetic cow, i don't even care that he fancies my friend. Hes paying ME attention, and it makes me feel loved.

I am such a looser.

Calorie wise;
Milky bar - 132.
Cereal - 170.
Irun bru zero - 2.

:| Why do I feel like I have eaten so much?

Well, as you all know I have a slight obsession with tiny thighs and legs, so after some thinking and hunting around, I present you with... Socks thinspo! :) I hope this is original..?
Comments, favourites.. its all appreciated. <3

                    

I split up with the boyfriend. He said we never saw eachother, which is true. 
And funnily enough, i wasn't even that bothered. He was obviously sick of a body-concious girl who is still in love with someone else. Which is more than someone should cope with, so i'm not mad or upset at all if i'm honest.

So after being ditched by my friends yesterday, I went into town by myself thinking some retail therapy would cheer me up, and as I was walking through crowds of hundreds of people, it scared me how alone I felt. I kept seeing couples everywhere, and it made me feel so terrified all of a sudden. Despite everything, I had money in hand and wanted some new clothes, so I bought a pretty vest top for £12.00 in New look, its cream with pink roses on it and its gorgeous, it made me feel so confident, despite the bloated belly poking out. Its wonderful being an almost solid size 12 now, (size 8 american I think? I could be wrong.)

As I was walking through town, I saw this extremley gorgeous guy, holding hands with a girl bigger than myself, and it really made me think. I am SO obsessed with the way I look, i never worry about my actual personality. It made me smile, and think humanity could be forgiven. But as I was walking towards my bustop, a guy was staring at me. I was really flattered and confident, and then as I turned in to the stop, he wolf whistled someone, I turned around to see the most beautiful girl ever walking behind me. I felt like a complete moron. How stupid could i get? The girl was sooo stunning, with olive skin, long black hair down to her waist, she must of been at least 5ft 9 and she was soo tiny! She was wearing an extremley short skirt which showed her non-touching thighs and a little white tank top. I wish I could go out in just plain shorts and a plain top, but no, I have to plan and organise each outfit to try and hide my flab. :/ it made me feel like shit and I sat on the bus feeling really sad. Then I got home, argued with mum and watched as my "friends" posted "Shes so pathetic" facebook statuses about me, (well, i think they where about me anyway.)

:|
what a shit weekend.

/rantrantrant.

Tommorow is a new day, a new week. No more binging. I mean it!

I wish i could eat what the fuck i want and not give a damn if i go over my calorie limit.
I wish i could eat infront of others.
I wish I didn't feel ashamed walking through the food aisles in super markets.
I wish I would look good in bikinis and shorts.
I wish guys would pick me up and go "omg your so light!"
I wish that one day, when I step into a bar, all eyes would be on me.
I wish I could drink at parties, without having a panic attack about alcohol calories.
I wish he would like me.
I wish I had the balls to tell him.
I wish he wasnt so obsessed with her, even though shes rejected him four times already.
I wish he wouldn't tell me when she rejects him, because it makes me wanna' go and punch that slut.
I wish he wouldnt get so excited when she actually says hello to him.
I wish that beautiful, tiny, small blonde girl hes in love with was me.

Sorry.. i'm just ranting away as usual. Its good to get things out of my system.

Weighed myself the other day, was at 160lbs.
i'm hoping that because it's my time of the month at the moment, that it added a few extra lbs. I'm hoping so bad.
I feel so weak and grumpy.
Damn being anemic!!!

Calorie-wise.
2 glasses of milk - 200.
Low fat cocoa cake slice - 100.
Chips - 200.
Garlic chicken - 185.
Gum - 10.
Irn bru zero - 5.
Frosties bar - 103.
Chocolate - 335.
Barbeque sauce - 200.

Exercise -
Burnt 205 calories.

Total, roughly arounddd
1133.

:| need to stop being such a fat ass.

Tommorow, no more than 700.
I've decided, thinspo is gonna' be every other day, which makes things easier for me.
Love to you all :) xxx

Emoemoemoemoemo.
..

I don't even know right now.

I was about to tell mum about my ed returning.
 I was in a shop to buy a red polo top for pe at school and they didn't have any, so mum was like "dont you have one at home?", and the top I have at home is so big that i lost count from the amount of times i accidently "forgot" my top just so I wouldn't have to wear it infront of others. I'm fat enough as it is. So anyway, mum said to me "So, you'd rather get a detention than wear the top you have at home." I simply nodded and she told me to get lost and that i'm horrendous company. I was in the car, on the verge of a breakdown with tears streaming down my face when I said "mum I need to tell you something." She went nuts and said it is always about me, and that I should think about others rather than myself.

I didn't tell her.

I feel like a failure as a daughter.

Foodwise today :

Sausage sandwhich - I'm guessing around 500 calories.
Cereal - 176 calories.
Three jaffa cakes - 145 calories.
A slice of chocolate roll - 52 caloriess.
Two glasses of diet irn bru - 4 calories.
Handful of popcorn - I'm guessing around 100?
4 oreos - 204.
Grape juice - 100.

- 275 calories burnt.

Makes my total about... 1006? :/ Maybe more or less.

Not bad for first day of restricting, but I hope to do better tommorow. I must have more control.

Heres your thinspo for today, sorry it's only little but it's better than nothing. ;) 

I love you all, you keep me sane.

Todays theme is Lingerie.


                              

Favourites? General comments? Ideas for thinspo? Leave a comment, I love to read them (:
xxxx

Sorry girls & guys, I keep breaking my daily thinspo promise, but it does take a good hour because of my slow internet, and right now I havn't got that time.

I need to loose about 2-3 stone in 3 months. I can and will do this, I promise you.
I'm willing to work so hard at this, coming downstairs in a sleek dress and watching my familys face light up will be worth every hunger pang. I must stay strong, it really is now or never.

Im also going to post pictures next sunday. Face, body & all.

Monday -
Brekfast - Nothing.
Lunch - Nothing.
Dinner - Chicken sandwhich & a glass of orange juice - about 400.
Snacks - Chewing gum, 7 calories, diet Irun bru - 4 calories & Orange squash - 10 calories.

Tuesday -
Brekfast - Nothing.
Lunch - Bag of chicken bites, 120 calories.
Dinner - Bowl of cereal - 200 calories.
Snacks - Chewing gum, 7 calories, diet irn bru - 4 calories, orange squash - 10 calories, Milky bar - 120 calories.

Thats it so far as my family is very unpredictable meal wise. Walking around school burns anything from 100-300 caloreis too : ) Plus i'll be doing my 50 sittups, 50 squats and 50 pushups daily too.

I am strong.

I love you girls & guys, you keep me so motivated. I would still be a lardy 180lbs if it wasn't for you guys. (i'm about 157 right about now.)

xxx

Hey girls and guys.

I really am looking forward to this autumn : ) I love fall, the colours are so beautiful and calming.
Okay, so I hope you lot don't mind, but i'm gonna' start doing daily thinspos, and journals and things, and now i'm gonna' be posting a set of rules I have to follow, and as I complete them, i'll come back and cross them off. It's definatly a good motivation.

Drink 8 glasses of water.
100 Squats.
50 Sittups.
50 Pushups.
Walk to shops.
Walk around the field with the dog.
Stay under 500 calories.

: ) Okay, so todays thinspo is BARBIE. (Blonde & tanned.) Just to let you know, i'm not insulting any of these girls, i'm just saying they have the barbie look about them. If any of these are any of you guys, send me a message and i'll remove your pic. <3


                         

 

Come back tommorow for another thinspo (: x

My favourite thinspo of the day. Look at those gorgeous arms and thighs!
 
Nothing really to say here. Just had four oreos and 1% milk.
About 230 calories?
Nothing else for today, cept four fish fingers and a glass of orange juice.
Been invited to a barbeque, but im feeling quite sick, probably wont go. All that food. I know I wont be able to resist, so best thing for me is to get some fluids down me and go back to bed.

List to complete before the end of the day;

• Burn 100 calories.
• Do 50 sittups.
• 50 Squats.
• 50 pushups.
• Drink 8 Glasses of water. (on my third as we speak.)

Heres your thinspo I promised a while back, todays theme is COUPLES <3

                                           

  
My mum makes it soo hard for me not to binge. I would love a relationship with her, but she only speaks to me when she wants me to do something.

Cosplay thinspo guys :) Enjoy <3

                        

So addictive! No more food today.

Toast with butter and marmite - 300.
Watsits - 85.
Rice cake thing - 30.
Soothers - 167.
Orange and honey drink - 200.
Milky bar - 137.

I burnt 50 calories too.. 

669
Hmm.. i'm on abc now, but tbh i'm not gonna do 500 again tommorow, whats the point? I'm not too far off from 500, so i think i'll just let this be a slip up day and get back on track tommorow :) I'm not gonna have anymore food though, i refuse!

Thinspo today is... FANCY DRESS :)